19 de julho de 2021

What is potential?

 What is POTENTIAL?

An ideal we should strive for? A romanticized version of ourselves?

Then, why do I feel like striving to live up to my potential is a fire fueled by other people? Not by me...

I like to do things. I certainly have DREAMS.

But why are the things I pursue so... DISSONANT?

I remember crying for not having time for my hobbies, because I had to study for school; For seeing people with less skill than me at 13, or so I thought, with a drawing tablet; For having to balance duties and dreams with fewer resources than some peers;

Was investing at school instead of my artistic vocations a better use of my potential?

It always GNAWED at me.

And being short of money didn't help, especially after my parents got divorced | my mother's industry closed | she got cancer (she's okay now)

I couldn't risk FOLLOWING MY DREAMS

I needed to choose something that gave money | had lots of opportunities | wouldn't run out of fashion. Like PROGRAMMING! :))) (at least I never became a doctor...)

With all the effort I put into it, it should have paid off, right? Well, it didn't work. I burned out, I think? Something must have happened to my potential.

My salary barely covers the expenses of the whole household; I don't do my job well; I can't concentrate; Not even on the things I still enjoy...

I got pretty good at pushing myself and finding strategies to get things done: Work on several projects at the same time, so when my focus fails, I can "procrastinate" doing another; Creating external pressure like rigid schedules I can't fail for some reason or an audience I don't want to disappoint; Half-hassing things; 

From there, I take that: 

1) it doesn't sound healthy

2) I'm still looking for external approval

3) my skills deteriorated

But what else should I do? I don't have the energy to follow my dreams properly while balancing it with work, but I also can't refuse them. Not when they are screaming in my head to be let out.

Without my questionable strategies, I would just create and create and create and never finish.

That would apply to this comic. My hopes are not to warrant pity, but to see if this resonates with someone else. And to have an excuse for a short comic, to see if I can finish it.

Should I check my mental health? Perhaps, though the irony is that when someone is bad mentally, doing such is much harder. At least, without help. Regardless, I honestly feel that with money and time, things would sort themselves.

See, I have a problem: At this point, I don't know what to do with my dreams. I don't know how to make all that I am work together towards a cohesive goal.

I draw a lot, but only recently (was able to) picked up digital art, and my art style is inconsistent. I have started several novels, none finished, but many with more than 200 pages, and I have a finished fic with more than 600 pages and some success. 

For someone with difficulty concentrating, I'm proud of my productivity. 

But what do I do with it, without even the proper followers and social network? Now add to that some knowledge of coding, interest in all kinds of lore and how games offer such interesting story-telling mechanics, a devotion to learn about social issues and a pinch of non-binarity and...

Where could I even work? What kind of job is looking for someone like me, with badly polished skills (that's why I need time, to work on them and compensate for how long I spent studying other things), and that pays decently on top of that?

How does one leave the shackles of wasted potential, when the world keeps telling you that it would be risky and a mistake, you don't have the money to invest in time, and also no idea of what to do anyway?

I don't know. But I'm starting to get fed up with having to wait to find out.

I need time to figure it out and get on the right path.