24 de junho de 2021

I'm really sad. I was notified yesterday that in my work we will stop working remotely soon. not all the time, but 50% - i will be at work next week and them the whole august. And I hate it how we cannot refuse, like, what, does it make a difference for them if I use a computer there or at home? Because it makes for me. It means taking lunch with me from home, and I hate eating with other people because of how slow and picky I am, it means socializing, it means not being able to fully enjoy pauses because I can't exactly play genshin there and even writing i don't know if I can, it means wasting two hours every day with transportation...

And I tried SO MUCH to finish my fic, to keep up with this crazy rhythm of work + the second work that was writing so much every day, but that wasn't enough and now the dislocations and all that will fuck up my schedule and i will stop being able to post twice a week and i know it's harder for me to finish projects once i lose that impulse and the progress slows.

I just wanted to finish this. and not just for the fic or for the fans - I intended to later adapt an original novel from it, I would have to adapt A LOT but at least I would have most of it written AND it would be the first novel i have managed to finish, in so many years of writing. And the main reason for that is the fact that I don't really want to keep working as a software engineer, getting a degree in this was mostly my way to run from becoming a doctor because i knew that would be even worse and I needed a relatively stable job to propose to my parents for them to agree. But really my mistake started with letting them pressure me for so long and choosing the area of sciences instead of arts or humanities. I literally chose what was hardest for me with the purpose of later going to medicine » get a job that payed well. The result? Even becoming a programmer, I'm neither being well paid or enjoying what I do, and that's partly my fault since I don't invest enough in learning skills that would value my work or put up with challenging jobs. I'm just... traversing life while constantly wanting to quit

poor you, hopefully you won't see this existential rambling after waking up xD

Anyway, my hopes were that, if I finished writing this, then adaptng it into a novel, I could perhaps publish it and if I was lucky enough, it would sell decently. I wouldn't publish it under a portuguese editor, btw, that would never work and my story is too weird for the mentality of portugal xD But I know that, both in writing and drawing, I can be at least decent if I put up the time to be, and with my current job, that's really hard to do. If I had chosen the areas of arts or humanities, I would not only have better skills and knowledge without having to learn everything by myself, I would also have the network. But with my choices, I will have to conquer and learn and get everything by myself
and I know I'm moping, but like. I put so much effort for all my life to get good grades and stuff, I abdicated of so much of my time and of the things I liked to study and try to have a job that was worth it - at least for the money - and it wasn't even for myself. It was mostly to help my mother and sister, because my mother became unemployed meanwhile (the factory where she worked closed) and she had some health problems that make it difficult for her to endure full-time jobs, plus my parents are divorced and my father barely helps. Having a roof over my head and all that stuff including my mother and sister's expenses falls on me.

And I don't fault my mother or anything, and I know she would have loved to let me do something I actually enjoyed because she at least recognizes my potential. But what I think she fails to see is that in doing something I don't like and I'm not particularly good at - and I think most coworkers can tell the former, and partly the second thing too at least regarding my lack of enthusiasm for learning more - I will never actually get well paid. And she insists that I should get a job that pays better but HOW if I don't know enough for it?! I can barely hold this one and it's the easiest shit I could ask for. She seems to think that's it's still enough to appear on the job, do what they ask of us, and get paid, but she has no idea of how much a person has to know to be able to do anything at all at least in software development, and nowadays companies value enthusiasm more than anything I would say, because a knowledgeable person that doesn't care about learning more will soon have their knowledge outdated, while an amateur interested in learning more can keep up.

idk

it feels all so draining and I can't see a solution

I was starting to feel, writing this fic, that it was going to take me somewhere. The signs were good, i had the energy, the support from other people, the planning is all done... i just needed the time to actually write it, at once. Honestly I feel like it even cured my depression, most of it. If I had at least one working parent, I could take a year off, write like crazy and invest in figuring out what I want and developing the necessary skills to at least keep up with competition - and I mean it when I say "like crazy", because one year is not much at all xD - and if it didn't work, at least I would have had the opportunity to try. But not like this. I can't do it like this, I can't do two jobs (where one of them is personal, unpaid and just learning everything by myself), I am unable to grab a goal like that while working as a developer

i feel like there is something so wrong

and that i wont be able to make it right without help, and i don't mean you because that's impossible

i just wanted some luck, some fucking money, to allow me the time to find the right path