On introductions, kindness, and being limited in the minds of those who can’t see us

Posted here https://medium.com/@anilyanl/on-introductions-kindness-and-being-limited-in-the-minds-of-those-who-cant-see-us-c07bc5eb8b52

As my first article on Medium, I’m going to start by saying what to expect of my kind of posts, and who they are for, since they are mostly going to be a reflection on things that affect my daily life, anything that is living in my head rent-free at the moment I write, and how that impact how I navigate the world.

My posts are for people who love rambling and who, like me, enjoyed reading personal blogs and the feeling of holding a conversation with someone. It’s different from when you have a thread of people commenting on a certain topic, or from exchanging short messages that necessarily await a reply, even if patiently. Here, I’m talking to the vacuum – but if you happen to read it, you will get to know a lot.

It’s important to notice that you will only be okay with my posts if you are okay with lgbt+ issues, intersectionality, and fandom stuff. Also, I’m Portuguese and some linguistic mistakes might slip in. Other than that, I can promise that there is no performance here: everything I talk is sincere, nuanced, probably imperfect and a reflection of my own biases. I try to empathize with people, but that won’t always be the case. And any topic I decide to abandon on a whim, without finishing my point, will be abandoned.

So, if you like surprises, this might also be for you.

I’m Ari, 23 years old, and my writing comes from the soul.

‘About’ section ended. I’m not sure if it sounds too pretentious, or too humble, lacking confidence even. But that’s fine, since it mirrors how I often feel about my own skills. The things I believe I’m good at, no one can convince me otherwise. But I won’t be happier with the things I want to improve just because someone said it’s good enough. Of course, I’m aware that ability is relative and something can only be considered better or worse when there is a comparison, however, my point is that I am my only judge, and always will be. Perhaps because I’m Aries with ascendant Aries, or Red Serpent with inner guide Red Serpent in the Maia Calendar (having a family that loves spirituality comes with certain fun-facts), and my mother usually looks proud when claiming that I am my own guide. But it’s also something that shapes how I perceive and interact with the world.

From the top of my head, it influences:

» How I see school. Or work. Essentially any system where we are not only forced to perform tasks not chosen by us, but where our value is graded according to whoever picked those tasks, robbing us from the autonomy to feel and determine our own growth. I was always a student of Excellence – I don’t know if there is an equivalent term in English – yet I hated school, and I’m an underperforming adult that picked a career based on what people thought would be the safer path for me, instead of going to arts or becoming a writer. As an Engineer and as someone who spent so long studying things that are not related to what I want to do, before I can risk doing what I love, I still need to develop the proper skills. And as someone relatively poor and with my mother and my younger sister under my responsibility, less positive outcomes wouldn’t impact just me. All that said, school and capitalism might have taken my agency, but they haven’t taken my opinions about myself.

» The way I interact with people, and how I see them. I prefer a non-judgemental approach towards everything, and always try to keep in mind something positive about everyone I meet – so much, that sometimes when I stop seeing them, I feel relief and realize I was trying to keep peace at the costs of ignoring what bothers me, yet I was unconsciously on edge. Thing is, I internally shock with people who think they can evaluate others. People who go to someone and say “you ARE x, and should be/do y”.

First of all, I don’t necessarily like people who give unsolicited advice. Maybe if they are experts on a certain area trying to pass their knowledge, that is at the bare least interesting unless they mistakenly assume we don’t know something already. But randoms on the internet sharing how their ideas would make a drawing better when 1) they don’t know how to draw; and 2) everyone gives a different suggestion, proving that no, going in a specific direction wouldn’t make the drawing better, just more appealing to specific groups of people; Those random comments just drown the positive impressions, and the advice is barely helpful. When coupled with “all else is awful”, I just lose it.

But more than people acting as if their preferences are superior and almost demanding others to cater to their tastes, I hate it when people reduce strangers to what is seen in a given moment. People are complex. The idea that someone IS something that can be summarized in a word is mind-blowing to me. I’ve had people assume I was censoring certain game characters upon seeing fanart of mine where they are more covered than canonically – when they are more covered for entirely different reasons, and I have a collection of fanarts that do the exact opposite. Skimming through my collection would be enough of a counter-argument. My mother, when still working, always complained about how people saw her as just a cook, a cleaning lady, an accountant,  a poor person selling crafts, a mother… or others things, yet each at a time, each person with their own limited perception of her. They looked at one facet, and assumed it was the whole. My mother has SO MANY skills, my own counter pales in comparison. Yet I share the rage of being shrank in the minds of people, either about my interests, my opinions, or my gender. They weight the same. And my blood boils just as much when I see that happen to even strangers. Limitations are only good when self-imposed.

And people judge everything. Other people, products and media they consume… And I gradually see less and less people willing to look for positive aspects, and only highlighting the bad – that they state that are bad, instead of framing it like “it wasn’t for me”. Seems like a really sad existence to me, a single-minded and less empathetic one, and one that propagates easily in an already pessimistic society that loves black-and-white perceptions. I say this as someone who considered themselves pessimistic until this recent wave of misdirected hate.

I get negative reviews, okay? Because reviews have a clear goal, and I have no problem with direct honesty. The author is basically saying “here is my opinion on if this thing I consumed is worth your time and/or money”. But on one hand, there is still a difference between branding something as “not for certain people” and the so-called “brutal honesty” that is often a statement of fact over something that is subjective. Should be. In any case, except for reviews, people expressing they didn’t like something in detached comments or about a product/media that didn’t even had them in mind as the audience is just pointless. Going to the creators and either threaten or insult them directly is entitled at best. And the way that a big chunk of threats belongs to minors who then use their age as a shield against assuming responsibility scares and disappoints me the most. I started learning about social issues at 13 – I never endorsed harassment, conservative ideas, nor using my age as an excuse for my mistakes.

Yes, I used they/them to refer to myself. Not that it works in Portuguese, but that’s a discussion for another letter.

Not all letters will be this personal, but this one will be, since I think it’s important to give you context. I have many interests, and so I doubt I will ever run out of topic. Also, I didn’t write this in order – I’m writing this paragraph after most of the rest is written and a break to have a snack. And while some of my posts will be more focused, most will be all over the place with the occasional wisdom thrown in-between.

Also, I probably have ADHD, possibly even Autism. If this sounds like I’m uncertain, it’s because it’s true, though I’m pretty sure there’s something. I’ve been postponing getting a diagnosis because there’s no way I will make it to the doctor without my mother and sister noticing, and if they knew I was going to the doctor for that reason, they would think I was looking for another excuse to explain why my job is going badly. Which, in fact, they refuse to believe, since I was such a good student (and yes, there are many good students with ADHD, in fact sometimes they are even called Twice Exceptional and that would explain… things). Anyway, I’m dreading that conversation, so feel free to keep track of how many weeks I will avoid it. You can start at 1 year at least, since I’ve been considering getting a diagnosis for a while.

My posts might sound a little depressing sometimes, and I want to be upfront about it from day one, in case you want to opt out. One of the reasons I’m writing this is because I feel like I lost my voice. Not literally – sometimes I’m so tired or overwhelmed by sounds or tasks that it’s hard to formulate something coherent, but my vocal cords are perfectly fine. It’s just that, from slowly becoming too self-conscious of my singing (no one told me it’s bad, I’m just too perfectionist to not consider it good enough for other people’s ears) to some past episodes that made me reluctant to share my thoughts with people… yeah, I started closing more and more. Sincerely, sometimes I feel like I withered. Maybe that’s just a consequence of being in this world, but when I look back and remember the child whose creativity, intelligence and energy knew no bounds, I’m left wondering what happened to all that brightness. What went wrong.

‘Nothing’, some people would say, trying to excuse my current state due to some possible mental illness, or external causes. And I partly agree; However, truth be told, even though my potential ADHD affects my personal interests as well - executive dysfunction and difficulty focusing getting in the way, starting 10 projects and abandoning them all, opening tons of tabs and overeating when understimulated, playing games without sound when I’m already overwhelmed… hum, maybe this is worse than I thought – most of it would be less consequential if we didn’t have to live for money. Or, more accurately, if we didn’t need money to live. Because I wouldn’t have to be always at the top of my game, and could allow myself to be carried to what felt righter. I always have ideas, and motivation, in my opinion – what I lack is the mental energy, and the brain stimulation. I probably know every tip to focus and study/work out there, and it irritates me when people try to tell me tips as if it wouldn’t occur to me to research about them upon encountering concentration problems. What other thing would have made me finish school with good grades? But those tips’ efficiency eventually faded.

And going back to my point, I think they faded because my current life is severed from my dream life, and from my life purpose, even, if such a things exists. At school, my perseverance came from my goal: to get out, and with good grades because well, someone’s got to pay the house, and grades are a mean to an end. But now, I feel like I have too many goals and yet none. Too many skills, none as good as it should. No online presence to rely on. No time to build an offline presence, when all the free time I have is used to build up my skills or devoted to my projects. So again, what went wrong? I think it was the fact that my life “choices” were chosen by others, while I threw my purpose under the bus. And now that I’m finally allowed to try to catch up, I’m standing in front of a mountain of things I have to do to get there.

One of the problems of ADHD is, supposedly, the impulse decisions. That’s one thing I can’t agree with, at least not with the “problem” part: Either because of obstacles (a voice in my head stopping me from acting rashly, not being able to spend money that I don’t have…), or because what I consider impulse decisions are actually long-cooked decisions that I manifested when the opportunity presented itself… my impulse decisions are my best ones. Not only don’t I regret them, I treasure them. The only decisions that made me happy, for a long time, are my impulse decisions. All of my regrets are related to refraining from acting impulsively. But the things that changed my life for the better? Exploding and telling my mother I didn’t want to become a doctor right before it was time to submit our choices, telling people I was bi (and later non-binary, and I haven’t told many people yet about being ace and polyamorous and a relationship anarchist because how could I not be when I don’t personally differentiate between a close friendship and romantic feelings? So many ‘and’s), buying a tablet to draw digitally… Really, does that count as an impulse decision? I’ve wanted one since I was 12, and because of my allergies that affect my eyes, I often had to avoid painting my drawings since paint could get in my hands and be carried to my eyes, using at best colored pencils, which made digital painting the most viable option to me. That yet I had to postpone for 10 years. Because of money, because I understood the financial struggle, I postponed learning something so significant for my goals for that long. And I’m getting fed up with that.

There’s another reason why I’m sharing all of this through writing, instead of other formats. Videos and, in a way, speaking as I said, are something hard for me (that things I said about losing my voice). Plus, being Portuguese, I’m not confident enough in my pronunciation to record myself, and the occasional mental lag that happens even when I’m talking in my mother tongue – I compare it to white noise – would probably make me butcher a lot of sentences. I am unwilling to give my face (plus, talking to a camera would feel as bad as looking at someone’s eyes, it’s so unnatural), a Vtuber is cute but probably expensive and hard to create by myself, and illustrating my videos is too much work and would probably make me abandon the channel.

Besides, I had blogs when I was younger, and made many friends over some of them. Some of those friendships lasted for years and I try to make contact once in a while, and I still consider them more meaningful than most relationships I made in real life, except for my closest friends that I met in recent years. And I remember the support and receptiveness I felt from that network. Nowadays, anything we share in social media is picked apart, spread out of context and trashed by people, sometimes innocently, but often with cruel intentions. I don’t know what is worse, the stupidity or the cruelty. What I know though, is that social media feels like a viper’s nest, buzzing over your head and ready to attack if you’re not still enough. I have never been canceled, but there is a difference between trying to cancel the funds and the presence of a hurtful franchise or of someone who committed crimes and harassing people over something they said. Especially if they assume responsibility and prove that they are willing to learn.

I don’t know. I think I just want a kinder world, and to build connection with people who feel the same way: willing to accept that we will all be problematic and hurt others at some point, but still deserve new opportunities and compassion. Perhaps with these posts I will find that; Or perhaps no one will read them.

But I can’t finish the first article in a depressive tone: I am, despite all, a hopeful person. I took a random quiz on uquiz some weeks ago for fun, “What emotion do you write from?”, and it gave me ‘hope’ – a result I subconsciously expected (and I can’t be the only one who likes quizzes whose result we agree with, right?).

So here’s the final note: even if these letters reach a single person, if anything I say feels relatable or honest or like there is someone in the world who understands your struggles, that alone makes me happy. To me, making a difference in the life of a single person is the equivalent to changing the world – because I’m changing their world. And owning that power changes mine.

I only once finished a story: To Be Known, a Genshin fanfic posted on AO3 that is dark and wholesome at the same time, 42 chapters written between April and November of 2021 that are out of my comfort zone, whose 1^st three chapters I posted by impulse (another proof that my impulse decisions are my best ones), thinking I would abandon it. People embraced it in the same day I posted, and their love was what made me continue until the end. Some people ended up calling it a Masterpiece, and while I know it wouldn’t be everyone’s cup of tea due to the dark elements or even the polyamory, I certainly know it was a story that I needed, and it means a lot to me to know other people needed it to. I’m still getting heartfelt comments, and each of them make my day.

That’s why I want to be a Creator. That’s why I’m juggling so many different hobbies, the half-assed drawings, the writing, the knowledge about different experiences... I think one day they will all fit together to create stories that change the world. And it’s not the money, or the skill, that are stopping me: it’s the connection. Maybe someone is missing the same, and together, we will be able to find our voice.

Now, let me post this before I overthink it. 

What Venti means for a non-binary gamer

I made a post on reddit and other social media once, about the possibility of Venti being canonically non-binary. Here is the sample [www], but it essentially points out how Venti's english VA, Erika Harlacher, said in a stream that when the company explained the character to her, they described him as a “genderless god that presents as a boy”. Timestamp: 40:05 from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQkKdlkM4Rs

I said also in the post that I already supported that interpretation, since there are several moments in-game that show that all gods are somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. That mostly relies on the fact that they can assume several forms, including non-humanoid forms, and when presenting as human they don’t always have the same appearance - for example, Zhongli has canonically been female at some point. And also an elder. And a dragon. And other appearances that I don’t remember right now. So that always made me suspect that they don’t have a defined identity.

I also lamented in the post that most people would keep seeing the character as a boy, and wondered about how cool it would be if the gods or certain characters used they/them pronouns in-game, even though I understand that would never happen, especially coming from a Chinese company. I also tried to imagine some scenarios about how that could play out in the world of Teyvat, the world of the game, and what implications it could have about society. My goal was to share that pseudo-canon information about Venti's gender that made so many people happy during the stream, and also prompt people to imagine a Teyvat where non-binary and trans people were normalized.

People here on tumblr kept reblogging it, and it just showed how much representation means to people. It also made me happy, because when I posted the same text on reddit, I was met with comments joking about “when you have no resin” and telling me to “go back to tumblr”. And I did. I did, and I avoided reddit like the plague for a long time, after realizing I was getting defensive and snappy even against the more reasonable comments that at least made an attempt at discussing the topic, and deleted the post because I was on the verge of a meltdown. It's funny because, when I got back there to post skins (collection: https://twitter.com/Anilyan13/timelines/1421207307212533770) and just shut up, people loved my content and still do - but they just love the part of me that caters to them. They just want me if I silence the rest.

And reddit is not the best place to talk about representation in general, for sure, but I still feel like trans representation receives even less support than the rest of the lgbt+ community. I still remember when, in 2015, the ending of the Legend of Korra came out (well, literally >.< ) and that scene of Korra and Asami walking away hand in hand - that nowadays is nothing special but it was the most the creators could do at the time, and they even had to confirm that they were a couple in a text - meant SO MUCH to people, that there were compilations on youtube of people crying and having a strong reaction while watching the finale. That proved how meaningful representation was for the community, and also started the journey that allowed more cartoons to have lgbt+ characters. We certainly wouldn’t have had She-ra without Korrasami taking baby steps first, to not mention the lgbt+ side characters in several shows.

But with trans characters, the representation is… still scarce. There are a few, like Doubletrouble in She-ra and an unnamed character in Dragon Prince, but I can’t remember more in non-japanese cartoons. Besides, some of that representation is lost with the translations to certain languages, and to top it off, I feel like most of the lgbt community - actually, society in general - does not share the same enthusiasm and support for trans and/or non-binary characters as it feels towards same-sex couples (of cisgender characters). Either in media or irl.

Makes me feel invisible, and reminds me that we are so few that I barely know non-binary people irl, even though I’m from Portugal and I can see their presence more online and in other countries. Makes me feel that, while pretty much every trans person regardless of orientation supports non-straight people, the same can’t be said of the other way around.

Venti means a lot to me. Even if he isn’t truly non-binary and it was just a misunderstanding created by a poor choice of words that seemed to imply it - even though I still prefer to believe that a wind sprite has no sense of gender, and that would still fall under the category of “non-binary as a consequence of being non-human”, a trope with its pros and cons. Because everything about him, from his androgynous design to his masterful backstory and the fact that he is the god of freedom, speaks to my soul and I'm sure he would accept my gender if he knew me. I most certainly know I will keep playing genshin no matter how much some people want to cancel it, and part of the reason is that I believe that every piece of media is redeemable and has value despite its inevitable flaws, and also because I feel like there was too much love put into making this game and it gives me more than it takes. However, while I joined the game on launch for several reasons, it was Venti that made me stay.

Sometimes, I find myself really starved for non-binary representation. Particularly in games. Particularly in the genre of games I like to play, that more often than not are fantasy RPGs since that’s what brings me comfort, and where mythical creatures and magic are more believable and seen than people like me, who exist in real life. Yes, I know I’m whining. Yes, I know other groups of people are still strongly under-represented. But if you find me a single game, that is relatively famous and has a relatively important non-binary character… well, I would be both surprised and happy, but it would still not be enough to fill the hole in my heart.

For as increasingly complex the choices in games become, for as much as they impact the plot, no choice will ever be more difficult than the one presented to me at the start of games with character creation: Do I want to play as a man or as a woman? And no, I don’t exactly want to play as myself, and even if I did and gender wasn’t a problem, I would - like everyone else - find limitations from hairstyle to body type or other things. My problem is not the impossibility of playing a self-insert fanfic (however, I fully support who does that); my problem is the implications of this specific barrier: the message that being non-binary is, contrary to the binary genders, less believable and too complicated for a fictional world.

I like to think I’m quite a rational person, and so I try to be fair in my assessments. Hopefully, that was clear by the considerations I already mentioned above about what things are NOT a problem in the lack of enby rep, and how not unique my problem is. I also know that there are companies trying to offer non-binary options in character creation and creating non-binary NPC’s, that struggle with implementation problems and translation barriers - because this was never done in the past, the first games that manage to do it will face difficulties without much guidance. I want to be understanding of all that, and I don’t want this post to come across as an accusation. I’m just venting.

This is a venting where I don’t ask for perfection: Can’t use they/them pronouns because of translation barriers? Fine, just allow the player to choose the possibility of randomizing between feminine and masculine pronouns, at least the misgendering is more balanced and it doesn’t require new voicelines, and it would even be quite realistic. Whatever is easier to implement.

This is also a venting where I want to protest about said difficulties not being the real reason why I can’t be represented - otherwise, why are non-binary characters in books and other formats of media almost as rare, despite not having those obstacles? This is about how the non-existence of non-binary characters - across all media, really - stems from a belief rooted in our society: the idea that non-binary people are not truly a thing. And if we don’t exist in real life, why bother to include us in fiction?

I often want to use fantasy as escapism - from lighthearted storylines where everything is solved with magic and the power of friendship, to painful stories with heavy thematics that resonate with the problems in the real world - and yet, I can’t escape. I can’t escape, because I can’t exist. I can’t escape, because what most suffocates me in real life also suffocates me in fictional worlds.

I think often about taking matters into my own hands - after all, I love to create: from art to writing, and as a programmer, it shouldn’t be too difficult to do something decent, be it a game, a book or a comic. But at the end of the day, that’s not really what I want - at least, it’s not something I want to do alone nor while I hold my job that is not creating any of those things. I want to escape precisely because I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired…

And if the price of existing is doing everything by myself to the point of exhaustion, I’m not sure how much sacrificing one joy for another is worth it.

Let me romanticize

Let me romanticize things.

Let me romanticize a cottagecore life, the idea of living away from the judgment of society and the pressure of work, with loved ones or pets or both or any, but ultimately with surrounded by nature and the fruits of my labor. Let me picture a house with flowers, a fairy-like bedroom, the fragrance of freshly-baked bread and home-cooking made with the vegetables I grew. Let me envision the peace, the quiet, the only sounds that of the spring nearby and the crickets at night.

Let me romanticize being a librarian, imagining I had that chance. I actually love cataloging things, so let me believe I wouldn’t have to do overwork that would ruin the fun of it. Let me imagine the smiles of the people when I answer their questions and get them what I want, or when I organize interesting events and presentations. Let me see the library in all of its detail, the books neatly ordered, the place cared for. Let me feel that education was being provided and working as it should, being valued as I did my work.

Let me romanticize storytelling, either through art or text or even music, even though for now I only dominate the first two. Let me feel my characters come to life and become endearing to people, speak to them as much as the plot itself. Let them see the fandom grow without becoming toxic, recognizing the value in having different people project their experiences and interpretations into the story, and making it theirs. Let me see the cutscenes in my mind and efficiently get them across, immersing people. Let me think I create stories that matter.

Let me romanticize escapism, even if I can’t do it in real life. Let me see myself in a better reality, a better scenario, either by imagining myself as the main character of a story or just living with better conditions. Let me experience worlds where transphobia and prejudice don’t exist, or where they still exist but things work out and I can still be my authentic self. Let me work doing what I love even if it’s just in my head, and believe that cultivating a fanbase of my creations will lead me towards the right career, assuming I can frow my platforms. Let me talk in the same way I write, without filters - not out of 'political correctness', but out of fear of being judged as a snowflake of some sort. Let me be feel seen, even if I’m not.

I see myself in a field of flowers, the fragrance concealing the smells of the corpses

Laying underneath the field of flowers, trapped by the roots and the soil.

I see the souls fragile like flowers, now dead and crumpled, my past selves in turmoil.

The world hurts kindness fragile like flowers. We put on a mask and just bury ourselves.

Small envies

‘Eat the rich’ is an important concept, especially when directed at the billionaires and the people who detain the majority of the money.

But what about the small envies? What about when a person, not necessarily poor, looks at someone that is only a little better – not rich – and still envies their luck? It’s only relative wealth at best, and I certainly don’t think that those people should lose it. I just can’t help but feel a little sorry for not having it as well.

It’s the second-hand school supplies. The lack of warm water at home to take a bath, because my family didn’t have money for a time to replace the water heater. The second-hand clothes never in fashion. The ability to have savings, because no matter how much my family saved, no matter how much we even had – again, relative luck – of cooking at home and eat for little money – it was always used to repair things long-due in the house. The cellphones I never had until much later than my peers and still always an outdated version. The art supplies I lacked, the means to get into digital art that delayed my progress – for 10 years! - even though I was so willing to put in the effort. The divorced parents and the eventual unemployment of my mother that put more pressure into making me the only person sustaining the household, a role I knew I would assume even when I was just studying.

And I know without a doubt that I’ve had many things that other people lack and wish for. They are definitely within their right to envy me in those regards – that’s not the point of this post, and I don’t want to pity people against each other. This is just a reflection on the many times I felt the sting of injustice and economic difficulties. They brought me to tears, sometimes, even though I concealed it and my discouragement was brief. They still do.