6 de novembro de 2021

What Venti means for a non-binary gamer

I made a post on reddit and other social media once, about the possibility of Venti being canonically non-binary. Here is the sample [www], but it essentially points out how Venti's english VA, Erika Harlacher, said in a stream that when the company explained the character to her, they described him as a “genderless god that presents as a boy”. Timestamp: 40:05 from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQkKdlkM4Rs

I said also in the post that I already supported that interpretation, since there are several moments in-game that show that all gods are somewhere on the non-binary spectrum. That mostly relies on the fact that they can assume several forms, including non-humanoid forms, and when presenting as human they don’t always have the same appearance - for example, Zhongli has canonically been female at some point. And also an elder. And a dragon. And other appearances that I don’t remember right now. So that always made me suspect that they don’t have a defined identity.

I also lamented in the post that most people would keep seeing the character as a boy, and wondered about how cool it would be if the gods or certain characters used they/them pronouns in-game, even though I understand that would never happen, especially coming from a Chinese company. I also tried to imagine some scenarios about how that could play out in the world of Teyvat, the world of the game, and what implications it could have about society. My goal was to share that pseudo-canon information about Venti's gender that made so many people happy during the stream, and also prompt people to imagine a Teyvat where non-binary and trans people were normalized.

People here on tumblr kept reblogging it, and it just showed how much representation means to people. It also made me happy, because when I posted the same text on reddit, I was met with comments joking about “when you have no resin” and telling me to “go back to tumblr”. And I did. I did, and I avoided reddit like the plague for a long time, after realizing I was getting defensive and snappy even against the more reasonable comments that at least made an attempt at discussing the topic, and deleted the post because I was on the verge of a meltdown. It's funny because, when I got back there to post skins (collection: https://twitter.com/Anilyan13/timelines/1421207307212533770) and just shut up, people loved my content and still do - but they just love the part of me that caters to them. They just want me if I silence the rest.

And reddit is not the best place to talk about representation in general, for sure, but I still feel like trans representation receives even less support than the rest of the lgbt+ community. I still remember when, in 2015, the ending of the Legend of Korra came out (well, literally >.< ) and that scene of Korra and Asami walking away hand in hand - that nowadays is nothing special but it was the most the creators could do at the time, and they even had to confirm that they were a couple in a text - meant SO MUCH to people, that there were compilations on youtube of people crying and having a strong reaction while watching the finale. That proved how meaningful representation was for the community, and also started the journey that allowed more cartoons to have lgbt+ characters. We certainly wouldn’t have had She-ra without Korrasami taking baby steps first, to not mention the lgbt+ side characters in several shows.

But with trans characters, the representation is… still scarce. There are a few, like Doubletrouble in She-ra and an unnamed character in Dragon Prince, but I can’t remember more in non-japanese cartoons. Besides, some of that representation is lost with the translations to certain languages, and to top it off, I feel like most of the lgbt community - actually, society in general - does not share the same enthusiasm and support for trans and/or non-binary characters as it feels towards same-sex couples (of cisgender characters). Either in media or irl.

Makes me feel invisible, and reminds me that we are so few that I barely know non-binary people irl, even though I’m from Portugal and I can see their presence more online and in other countries. Makes me feel that, while pretty much every trans person regardless of orientation supports non-straight people, the same can’t be said of the other way around.

Venti means a lot to me. Even if he isn’t truly non-binary and it was just a misunderstanding created by a poor choice of words that seemed to imply it - even though I still prefer to believe that a wind sprite has no sense of gender, and that would still fall under the category of “non-binary as a consequence of being non-human”, a trope with its pros and cons. Because everything about him, from his androgynous design to his masterful backstory and the fact that he is the god of freedom, speaks to my soul and I'm sure he would accept my gender if he knew me. I most certainly know I will keep playing genshin no matter how much some people want to cancel it, and part of the reason is that I believe that every piece of media is redeemable and has value despite its inevitable flaws, and also because I feel like there was too much love put into making this game and it gives me more than it takes. However, while I joined the game on launch for several reasons, it was Venti that made me stay.

Sometimes, I find myself really starved for non-binary representation. Particularly in games. Particularly in the genre of games I like to play, that more often than not are fantasy RPGs since that’s what brings me comfort, and where mythical creatures and magic are more believable and seen than people like me, who exist in real life. Yes, I know I’m whining. Yes, I know other groups of people are still strongly under-represented. But if you find me a single game, that is relatively famous and has a relatively important non-binary character… well, I would be both surprised and happy, but it would still not be enough to fill the hole in my heart.

For as increasingly complex the choices in games become, for as much as they impact the plot, no choice will ever be more difficult than the one presented to me at the start of games with character creation: Do I want to play as a man or as a woman? And no, I don’t exactly want to play as myself, and even if I did and gender wasn’t a problem, I would - like everyone else - find limitations from hairstyle to body type or other things. My problem is not the impossibility of playing a self-insert fanfic (however, I fully support who does that); my problem is the implications of this specific barrier: the message that being non-binary is, contrary to the binary genders, less believable and too complicated for a fictional world.

I like to think I’m quite a rational person, and so I try to be fair in my assessments. Hopefully, that was clear by the considerations I already mentioned above about what things are NOT a problem in the lack of enby rep, and how not unique my problem is. I also know that there are companies trying to offer non-binary options in character creation and creating non-binary NPC’s, that struggle with implementation problems and translation barriers - because this was never done in the past, the first games that manage to do it will face difficulties without much guidance. I want to be understanding of all that, and I don’t want this post to come across as an accusation. I’m just venting.

This is a venting where I don’t ask for perfection: Can’t use they/them pronouns because of translation barriers? Fine, just allow the player to choose the possibility of randomizing between feminine and masculine pronouns, at least the misgendering is more balanced and it doesn’t require new voicelines, and it would even be quite realistic. Whatever is easier to implement.

This is also a venting where I want to protest about said difficulties not being the real reason why I can’t be represented - otherwise, why are non-binary characters in books and other formats of media almost as rare, despite not having those obstacles? This is about how the non-existence of non-binary characters - across all media, really - stems from a belief rooted in our society: the idea that non-binary people are not truly a thing. And if we don’t exist in real life, why bother to include us in fiction?

I often want to use fantasy as escapism - from lighthearted storylines where everything is solved with magic and the power of friendship, to painful stories with heavy thematics that resonate with the problems in the real world - and yet, I can’t escape. I can’t escape, because I can’t exist. I can’t escape, because what most suffocates me in real life also suffocates me in fictional worlds.

I think often about taking matters into my own hands - after all, I love to create: from art to writing, and as a programmer, it shouldn’t be too difficult to do something decent, be it a game, a book or a comic. But at the end of the day, that’s not really what I want - at least, it’s not something I want to do alone nor while I hold my job that is not creating any of those things. I want to escape precisely because I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired…

And if the price of existing is doing everything by myself to the point of exhaustion, I’m not sure how much sacrificing one joy for another is worth it.