4 de novembro de 2021

What if I just didn't care?

Sometimes, I catch myself wondering: how far would I make it if I just didn’t care?

Would I make it farther?

Or would I allow myself to destroy what I currently have, and never set to rebuild?

Sometimes, I just want to sever the ties I have with everyone, cease any pointless routine I’ve been trying to stick to, abandon my goals, let everyone fend for themselves and just… go. Just go. Just start walking without destiny, without a stop in mind, acting on a whim. I would extend that to protecting my way of life, shoving those who tried to stop me and hurting those who hurt me.

That would be going far, indeed. I suppose some people would consider it too far, even.

There are two states of mind that often battle inside of my head, and it’s not a battle of good vs evil. Rather, it’s a battle between apathy and feverish proactiveness, both of which are reckless. One tells me to sit and do nothing, letting time slip through my fingers, because nothing is worth it, no one will acknowledge me, no time is enough, no goal exists without an unavoidable obstacle. The other wants to get up and fix things, immersing me in work and plans and more work, occupying my mind and soul, not allowing me to give up and trying to value any pitiful crumb of success.

Both struggle to grasp what my purpose in this world is.

Not that I need one. Not that anyone does. People exist, and that has validity in itself. No one is here to be placed in a metric of usefulness, and the world has many beautiful things to offer.

But that doesn’t help me decide what to do. There are so many things that need to be done, and not enough time for everything, so even if every bit of progress and small successes have value, they don’t necessarily contribute to something. Even if they enrich us, they don’t enrich the world unless we do something with it. What if I spend all my life without achieving something, nor even helping others achieve their goals? What will I leave behind when I depart from the world of the living?

Legacy: That’s something I care about a lot, especially when people like me – non-binary – don’t have our existence recognized, and as such we can’t look up to a community to have an idea of what we might accomplish together. We need a foundation, and that won’t exist if we don’t start leaving anything behind.

And I don’t think ‘not caring’ would help. Saying it would was just an excuse to shrug off my responsibilities, and maybe follow what vaguely resembles the path of a villain. But there is an appeal to it, a sense of authenticity and empowerment from refusing a world that refused me, even if obtained at the cost of losing everyone I could be authentic with. Everyone I would want to know me….