Sometimes, I catch myself wondering: how far would I make it if I just didn’t care?
Would I make it farther?
Or would I allow myself to destroy
what I currently have, and never set to rebuild?
Sometimes, I just want to sever the
ties I have with everyone, cease any pointless routine I’ve been trying to
stick to, abandon my goals, let everyone fend for themselves and just… go. Just
go. Just start walking without destiny, without a stop in mind, acting on a whim.
I would extend that to protecting my way of life, shoving those who tried to
stop me and hurting those who hurt me.
That would be going far, indeed. I
suppose some people would consider it too far, even.
There are two states of mind that
often battle inside of my head, and it’s not a battle of good vs evil. Rather,
it’s a battle between apathy and feverish proactiveness, both of which are
reckless. One tells me to sit and do nothing, letting time slip through my
fingers, because nothing is worth it, no one will acknowledge me, no time is
enough, no goal exists without an unavoidable obstacle. The other wants to get
up and fix things, immersing me in work and plans and more work, occupying my
mind and soul, not allowing me to give up and trying to value any pitiful crumb
of success.
Both struggle to grasp what my
purpose in this world is.
Not that I need one. Not that anyone
does. People exist, and that has validity in itself. No one is here to be
placed in a metric of usefulness, and the world has many beautiful things to
offer.
But that doesn’t help me decide what
to do. There are so many things that need to be done, and not enough time for
everything, so even if every bit of progress and small successes have value,
they don’t necessarily contribute to something. Even if they enrich us, they don’t
enrich the world unless we do something with it. What if I spend all my life
without achieving something, nor even helping others achieve their goals? What
will I leave behind when I depart from the world of the living?
Legacy: That’s something I care
about a lot, especially when people like me – non-binary – don’t have our
existence recognized, and as such we can’t look up to a community to have an
idea of what we might accomplish together. We need a foundation, and that won’t
exist if we don’t start leaving anything behind.
And I don’t think ‘not caring’ would help. Saying it would was just an
excuse to shrug off my responsibilities, and maybe follow what vaguely
resembles the path of a villain. But there is an appeal to it, a sense of
authenticity and empowerment from refusing a world that refused me, even if
obtained at the cost of losing everyone I could be authentic with. Everyone I
would want to know me….