Sometimes, I find myself really starved for non-binary representation. Particularly in games. Particularly in the genre of games I like to play, that more often than not are fantasy RPGs because that's what brings me comfort, and where mythical creatures and magic are more believable and seen in their world than people like me who exist in real life. Yes, I know I'm whining. Yes, I know other groups of people are still strongly under-represented. But if you find me a single game, that is relatively famous and has a relatively important non-binary character... well, I would be both surprised and happy, but it would still not be enough to fill the hole in my heart.
For as increasingly complex the choices in a game become, for as much as they impact the plot, no choice will ever be more difficult than the one presented to me at the start of games with character creation: Do I want to play as a man or as a woman? And no, I don't exactly want to play as myself, and even if I did and gender wasn't a problem, I would - like everyone else - find limitations from hairstyle to body type or other things. My problem is not the impossibility of playing a self-insert fanfic (I fully support who does that, however); my problem is the implications of this specific barrier: the message that being non-binary is, contrary to the binary genders, less believable and too complicated for that fictional world.
I like to think I'm quite a rational person, and so I try to be fair in my assessments. Hopefully, that was clear by the considerations I already mentioned above about what things are NOT a problem in the lack of enby rep, and how not unique my problem is. I also know that there are companies trying to offer non-binary options in character creation and creating non-binary NPC's, that struggle with implementation problems and translation barriers - because this was never done in the past, the first games that manage to do it will face difficulties without much guidance. I want to be understanding of all that, and I don't want this post to come across as an accusation. I'm just venting.
This is a venting where I don't ask for perfection - can't use they/them pronouns because of translation barriers? Fine, just allow the player to chose the possibility of randomizing between feminine and masculine pronouns, at least the misgendering is more balanced and it doesn't require new voicelines, and it would even be quite realistic. This is also a venting where I want to protest about said difficulties not being the real reason why I can't be represented - otherwise, why are non-binary characters in books and other formats of media almost as rare, despite not having those obstacles? This is a venting about how the non-existence of non-binary characters - across all media, really - stems from a belief rooted in our society: the idea that non-binary people are not truly a thing. And if we don't exist in real life, why bother to include us in fiction?
I want to vent about how I often want to use fantasy as escapism - from lighthearted storylines where everything is solved with magic and the power of friendship, to painful stories with heavy thematics that resonate with the problems in the real world - and yet, I can't escape. I can't escape, because I can't exist. I can't escape, because what most suffocates me in real life also suffocates me in fantasy worlds.
I think often about taking matters into my own hands - after all, I love to create: from concept art to writing, and as a programmer, it shouldn't be difficult to do something decent, be it a game, a book or a comic. But at the end of the day, that's not really what I want - at least, it's not something I want to do alone nor while I hold my job that is not creating any of those things. I want to escape precisely because I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired...
And if the price of existing is doing everything by myself to the point of exhaustion, I'm not sure of how much sacrificing one joy for another is worth it.